Sometimes when we get into a routine within our relationships we forget to do (and notice) the simple things that caused us to fall in love in the first place. Because we become comfortable with each other, we lose the loving way in which we attempt to make a meaningful connection with our partner. In addition, we can take for granted the things our partners may do to connect with us thereby missing the opportunity to deepen or even experience a close moment.
Being aware of others’ attempt to make a meaningful connection and responding is another way to foster closeness in an intimate relationship. Dr. Gottman opened what has been identified as “The Love Lab” at the University of Washington in 1990 to study numerous couples and looking at intimacy between them. While he thought initially that self-disclosure was the key to intimacy, he found in his studies differently. In studying the couples he found that it was the simple daily interactions that most don’t even think about that promote intimacy. Examples range from direct request for some quality time to the slightest glance or touch. These he termed “bids for connection”. He also found that there were three essential responses to these bids:
1. Turning-toward in which the receiver of the bid responds positively to the bid with humor, respect, attention, affection or a sense of joining. This response builds trust and respect and good feelings for the relationship over time.
2. Turning-away in which the receiver ignores the bid by acting preoccupied. If this is a regular response it can be very destructive to a relationship.
3. Turning-against in which the receiver of the bid responds in a manner that is belligerent, argumentative, hostile, or even filled with ridicule. This is also very destructive as it conveys disrespect and often contempt. Relationships are not likely to last long with responses such as these ongoing.
Exercise: Next time you and your loved one are together (or friend), notice these “bids for connection” and notice your response. Is it a turning toward, turning away, or turning against. Notice how your partners responses to your own bids for connection make you feel, and whether they make you want to continue to bid for his/her connection. This awareness will be eye opening and could improve and potentially save your relationship.
Be careful of “Fuzzy Bidding”
When bidding for connection be clear about what you are communicating. When the bid is not clear to the receiver it can be confusing and can in turn draw an unintended response. Unclear bids for connection are called “Fuzzy bidding”. Examples of fuzzy bidding are statements like: “We never do anything fun!” or “why can’t you be more romantic” or even “Why do you always ignore me when I’m talking to you?”. These are actual bids for connection, but they are riddled with complaint, criticism, or lament. They make it difficult for the receiver to respond in a positive turning toward manner. The most common responses to fuzzy bids are turning-away and turning-against responses.
Exercise 1: Recognize your own fuzzy bidding and notice how your partner responds to it.
Notice how the response changes if you make your bid request more direct rather than indirect and negative.
Exercise 2: Notice when you receive fuzzy bids from your friend or loved one and attempt to turn-toward instead of away or against. Gently reassure them that it is okay to make direct requests for whatever they are bidding for (time, affection, fun, etc). Notice how the response changes and notice whether the next time your loved one bids for connection whether it is fuzzy or direct.
For more information or coaching on ways to change your life or to know more about the Dr. Clairborne and her services, visit www.backtobasicshealing.com
Jumpstart Your Life Balance or Wellness Program with Dr. Maiysha from Anywhere in the World. Visit www.mbswellness.org or call 404-478-9868 to Get Started Now!
